DIFFERENT DRUMMERS

If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.

Or if I believe other than you, at least pause before you correct my view.

Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given the same circumstances,

try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.

Or yet if I act, or fail to act, in the manner of your design for action, let me be.

I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me.

That will come only when you are willing to give up changing me into copy of you.

I may be your spouse, your parent, your offspring, your friend, or your colleague.

If you will allow me any of my own wants, or emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself,

so that some day these ways of mine might not seem so wrong,

and might finally appear to you as right-- for me.

To put up with me is the first step to understanding me.

Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longer irritated or disappointed with me

for my seeming waywardness. And in understanding me you might come to prize my differences from you,

and, far from seeking to change me, preserve and even nurture those differences.

The point of this book is that people are different from each other,

and that no amount of getting after them is going to change them.

Nor is there any reason to change them, because the differences are probably good, not bad.

People are different in fundamental ways. They want different things; they have different motives,

purposes, aims, values, needs, drives, impulses, urges. Nothing is more fundamental than that.

They believe differently: they think, cognize, conceptualize, perceive, understand, comprehend, and cogitate differently.

And of course, manners of acting and emoting, governed as they are by wants and beliefs, flow suit and differ radically among people.

Differences abound and are not at all difficult to see, if one looks.

And it is precisely these variations in behavior and attitude that trigger in each of us a common response:

Seeing others around us differing from us, we conclude that those differences in individual behavior

are but temporary manifestations of madness, badness, stupidity, or sickness.

In other words, we rather naturally account for variations in the behavior of others in terms of flaw and afflictions.

Our job, at least for those near us, would seem to be to correct these flaws.

Our Pygmalion project, is to make all those near us just like us.

Fortunately, this project is impossible, to sculpt the other into our own likeness fails before it begins.

People can't change form no matter how much and in what manner we require them to.

Form is inherent, ingrained, indelible.

Ask a snake to swallow itself. Ask a person to change form - -think or want differently - and you ask the impossible,

for it is the thinking and wanting that is required to change the thinking and wanting. Form cannot be self-changing.

Of course, some change is possible, but it is a twisting and distortion of underlying form.

Remove the fangs of a lion and behold a toothless lion, not a domestic cat.

Our attempts to change spouse, offspring, or others can result in change, but the result is a scar and not a transfomation.

The belief that people are fundamentally alike appears to be a twentieth century notion.

Probably the idea is related to the growth of democracy in the western world.

If we are equals then we must be alike.